Survey Finds Airplanes Are Best Place To Masturbate In Public

Those of us, I mean, you, who are chronic public masturbators know that getting caught comes with a stiff sentence. Amirite. But thanks to information on airplane seat masturbation, we know it’s a relatively safe space to live out our, I mean, your, truth.

While one in five stewardesses admit to being notified of a public jacker at least once in their careers, the airline companies rarely take the time to escalate the offenses to the police. But when I do it in front of the pilates window it’s a sex crime? I mean, you:

A survey found that 1 out of 5 flight attendants had received a report of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault during a flight. The findings showed that law enforcement was contacted or met the plane less than half of the time.

According to Buzzfeed News, after a woman named Mikaela Dixon reported a guy jacking off next to her:

…The flight attendant moved her to another row and told her that the crew had contacted law enforcement officials to meet the man at the gate. But the airline never called law enforcement. The alleged masturbator was escorted out of the terminal by United’s own security personnel — and then released.

United first [said] that it contacted Chicago (where the plane landed) police. Then a spokesperson later said that its flight crew and gate agent had decided not to do so. The airline is now reviewing why that never happened.

In the US, punishment for public masturbation varies from state to state, and can be classified under “lewd acts in public,” “indecent exposure,” or other great names for 80’s sex comedies. This is all, of course, unless you’re flying the friendly skies. Then it’s called “just a Tuesday.”

Photo Credit: Emirates