Florida Homeless Man With No Arms Stabs Chicago Tourist

I didn’t see The Florida Project, but I’m assuming this headline is the plot. While the gas station axe attack foiled by extensive white dreadlocks we covered yesterday took place in the World’s Florida – Australia – today’s little slice of life comes from Florida proper. Again, it’s nice to know this kind of thing is mostly relegated to a dick peninsula. A supposedly beloved South Beach homeless man with no arms named Jonathan Crenshaw has been charged with aggravated battery for stabbing Chicago tourist Cesar Coronado. Welcome to Miami.

According to Crenshaw, Coronado approached him as he was lying on the sidewalk and kicked the armless homeless man unprovoked. Crenshaw then stabbed Coronado with a pair of scissors held with his feet. According to Coronado and his travel companion, the Chicagoan simply asked Crenshaw for directions when he lept up, or I guess, wiggled around on his back, and stabbed Coronado with a pair of scissors held with his feet. Either way, we have a homeless man with no arms stabbing someone with scissors held with his feet. They don’t cover that in the brochures.

As the attack took place after midnight in a popular drinking area (all of Florida,) Cesar is twenty-two-years-old and probably pretty handy with Google Maps, and only someone who just fell to Earth would ask a homeless person for directions, my justice gut tells me that Cesar was looking for trouble. And that as a seemingly defenseless amputee, Crenshaw’s scissor trick has probably gotten him out of some sticky situations. Nonetheless, the official WWTDD court ruling is “hahahahaha.”

Photo Credit: ABC7