The Goop Is Adults Only

Thank God we have Gwyneth Paltrow as the end all be all decider on who is officially deemed an adult and who is not. The first Brad she dated saved her from certain doom. Harvey Weinstein was going to have his way with her and we all know how that story ends. But heroism isn’t “adult” enough as she considers Brad Falchuk, not Pitt, to be her first adult relationship. Seems like someone is snorting lines of overpriced organic bath bomb dust from their Goop inventory again. I can see maybe Ben Affleck being slightly childish as his drinking problem suggests he has possibly shat a shared bed with her more than once. But Chris Martin wrote Clocks. You can’t get more adult than vibing out to some Coldplay in the middle of Barnes & Noble while reading some Gillian Flynn with the intent to purchase the book because B&N is a business, not a library.

Gwyneth told The Sunday Times that Brad makes her feel like an adult woman.

“Now, for the first time, I feel I’m in an adult relationship that is sometimes uncomfortable, because he sort of demands a certain level of intimacy and communication that I haven’t been held to before.”

It’s typical for women to declare their ex-lovers as not man enough without looking in the mirror first. It’s almost like she’s afraid to tell Fulchuk the reason why she enjoys shoving Earth-friendly biodegradable dildos up her cunt because Brad, Ben, and Chris never bothered to questioned it. Now she’s labeling them incompetent little boys all because of her personal intimacy issues. She’s behaving like the girl in class who grew boobs first and now she’s too good for the other sixth graders of the opposite sex. Gwen even thinks she’s some sort of super adult after awkwardly attempting to upsell sex toys to her mother Blythe Danner during her Goop cult podcast.

“Do you want a boyfriend?” Paltrow asked. “No. I have no interest. Really I don’t. If I got my heart broken, I’d probably jump off the railing,” Danner shared. “And I don’t want to be bored, so it’s one or the other.” So the Iron Man star came up with a concession. “I can also go to Goop.com and get you a vibrator.” Danner’s response? “Thanks very much, but no thanks.”