Clear Backpacks, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

Any of you planning to sneak an AK-15 into a school using a backpack are going to be seriously pissed off today, because now another school is adopting a policy requiring students to wear school-issued clear backpacks. In addition to hiring Beetle Bailey as their security guard, the administrators at Stoneman Douglas High School – the site of Nikolas Cruz’s shooting rampage that left seventeen people dead – are adding insult to injury by requiring that students wear clear backpacks.

Students returned on Monday from a relaxing Spring Break of seeing a blood-splattered hallway everytime they close their eyes to find that, after diligently protesting guns and being self-righteous and gender nonconformist and all around very unlikable, their school rewarded their efforts with clear backpacks. To prevent death by semi-automatic machine guns.

I was in middle school during the OG school shooting at Columbine in 1999, and I too had to wear a clear backpack to help save the lives of my fellow classmates. Even as moron Appalachian meth lab middle schoolers with limited Internet access we knew that the clear backpacks were a joke, so you can bet that the wokest of woke 2018 high schoolers see the humor in this. They asked for gun control. Their teachers gave them clear backpacks to prohibit the entry of readily-available guns into the school. It’s the kind of “fuck you” that these kids are probably in need of.

Here’s the thing. It doesn’t take experience as a Navy SEAL to barge into a building and plow down a bunch of people with a gun. Even the new security checkpoint at Stoneman Douglas can’t stop someone with chutzpah. The only difference in this case is that anyone who gets shot will have to die while wearing an ugly clear backpack. But I guess they were committing crimes. Of fashion!

Here are the tweets of high schoolers being awful. It’s like, you don’t want them to die, but…

This backpack is probably worth more than my life #trends #NeverAgain pic.twitter.com/sVAfRbt12R

— Carmen Lo // #NEVERAGAIN (@xo_karmin_ox) April 2, 2018

Clear backpacks y’all! It’s a new trend did ya hear? pic.twitter.com/tJRdpGOIqL

— Kel #shineMSD (@Kelxmx) April 2, 2018

Oof we love clear backpacks pic.twitter.com/Ugl8EpWIa9

— natasha #NeverAgain (@sighnatasha) April 2, 2018

Starting off the last quarter of senior year right, with a good ol’ violation of privacy! pic.twitter.com/Glf9C14dsq

— Delaney Tarr (@delaneytarr) April 2, 2018

General consensus is frustration from students and teachers re: clear backpacks. Personally, though, I don’t mind the IDs. Sidenote, where can I register for MSD Pre-Check? pic.twitter.com/kytezEyrCh

— Nikhita Nookala (@nikta04) April 2, 2018

Thousands of clear backpacks and lanyards were distributed today at douglas. They’re just an illusion of security. pic.twitter.com/Bz7yaL2cdN

— Kyra Parrow (@longlivekcx) April 2, 2018

Photo Credit: Twitter