Matt Damon Doesn’t Feel Safe In America Any Longer

Matt Damon would probably ship himself to Mexico but I doubt it would be long before someone like him gets into trouble. Any elite celebrity with blue eyes living below the border and making a scene at his local taqueria because José has no idea what steak tartare is happens to be a great candidate for kidnapping. But instead of risking his life in the barrios, he’s seriously contemplating trading his Californian lifestyle for pesky kangaroos in his backyard. What’s the reason for uprooting? President Trump. Apparently the President hides underneath Damon’s bed and sometimes during the middle of the night attempts to grab Matt by the pussy.

“Matt’s telling friends and colleagues in Hollywood that he’s moving the family to Australia” because the activist actor disagrees with Trump’s policies.

“Matt’s saying the move will not impact his work — as he will travel to wherever his projects are shooting. He’s also telling friends he wants to have a safe place to raise his kids.”

There’s no reason to move to wombat world when America already owns the best that Australia had to offer. And she took her clothes off on film for Leonardo DiCaprio. I’d take a Trump administration over living in the down under any day. The continent only happens to be on Animal Planet every other day. It would be like living in a giant zoo who just happened to have an amazing opera house inside. Hopefully Danny McBride is waiting for Matt at the airport with the 12 inch Dundee knife. He needs someone to assist him with his transition to a woman since he lacks the testosterone to tough it out in America.

Photo Credit: Anne Hathaway and Sandra Bullock from Matt Damon’s upcoming ‘Ocean’s 8’