Female CEO Touts Benefits Of Potato Chips For B**ches

Indra Nooyi is the CEO of PepsiCo – which owns brands like Lays and Cheetos – and she recently proved that she really gets the current political climate by announcing new potato chips engineered specifically for women. Strong enough for a man. Gentle enough for bitches and hos. The news got out a while ago, but is making the rounds again now that Nooyi has opened up to the podcast Freakonomics Radio on the reasoning behind her company’s Bitch Chips™. Women, it turns out, don’t like to make crunching sounds, and don’t like to lick excess flavor off their fingers after snacking on brands like Doritos (because dey too busy sucking dat dick right Indra?) and while we don’t get specifics on exactly what the new chips will look like, it’s sounding as if they’ll fulfill all feminine wiles by being soggy and flavorless and probably inferior to man chips in every way:

When you eat out of a flex bag — one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.

Is she referring to all women or just Geishas specifically. Gendered products almost always face backlash on the Buzzfeed circuit, but Nooyi DGAF, and continues to explain the necessity behind her tampon chips:

It’s not a male and female as much as “are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?” And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon. For women, low crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse. The whole design capability we built in PepsiCo was to allow design to work with innovation. Not just on packaging colors, but to go through the entire cycle, and say, “All the way to the product in the pantry, or how it’s being carried around, or how they eat it in the car, or drink it in the car, what should be the design of the product, the package, the experience, so that we can influence the entire chain?”

Is there anything sexier than a woman who carries around bags of potato chips in her purse? I can just picture Margot Robbie opening up her designer clutch and tearing into a fresh bag of Slut Snacks™. JK. These are for Mama June.

Almost every headline is dragging Nooyi for her feminine potato chip idea, and I’m just glad to see that it’s okay to cyber-harass women again. Five minutes of watching Shark Tank will tell you that corporations have exhausted almost every angle for new products to shill, but in order to grow they will continue to test the limits of consumer taste stupid new shit. Have you seen the most recent razors for men? They’re Transformers. In fact I remember reading this article about the razor arms race, and how basically inching out the competition for any consumer goods category means making inane tweaks to already successful products.

But, and this is going to be a shocker for Buzzbottomfeeders, it doesn’t mean we have to buy them. A CEO’s head is always on the chopping block, and being a woman, I would think that the public would be championing Nooya for at least trying to appease investors by expanding a category of food that has gotten so bombastic that Thrillist has a ranking of all seventeen Doritos flavors. Seven-freaking-teen. Well, eighteen once Menstrual Munchums™ hits shelves.

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