Serena Williams Not Pumped to Full Pump; Drops Out of Australian

What a difference a year makes. But a year ago Serena Williams was taking home the Australian Open title with a fetus in her belly. She would later claim she knew the zygote was female because only a female could’ve been strong enough to help her to victory. That comment made little sense, but her submissive Reddit baby daddy cheered the comment without so much as a single shock to his collar.

This year, Serena Williams has announced she will not be defending her title in the Australian Open, because five months after giving birth to the Baby Girl Jesus, she’s not back to one-hundred percent fitness. According to Williams, she lives by the principle her coach taught her, don’t get in if you can’t go all the way. That seems fairly nuanced for a sports coach. How do you know if you can go all the way until you get in?

That’s not a riddle for Williams. The answer is something close to “full pump”. At her best, Williams body is virtually indistinguishable from former NFL fullback, Robert Newhouse. Look it up. It’s uncanny. There’s no art to knowing when a tire is properly inflated. It’s PSI science. Similar to Williams, a simple gauge can tell you when the Super Soldier Serum is fully unlocked. An 800-lb squat will do as a practical stand-in.

Unless you work for a Silicon Valley tech firm looking for show-me points, most women aren’t receiving half a year maternity leave from their jobs. The line manager at Starkist doesn’t want to hear that you can’t can tuna after five months because your pythons are back to obscene level yet. You take the needle. You take another needle. You double up on your get-back medication and you get yourself to Melbourne. People who love women’s tennis don’t have much else. Stop being selfish. Your husband can breastfeed the baby.