Meryl Streep, Laura Dern, Emma Watson Draft Minority Activists for Globes Dates

Traditionally, award show guests and nominees bring their significant others or whoever they may be having sex with at the time. Like when Angelina Jolie brought her brother. It’s a good chance for red carpet E! producers to tell one half of a couple to GTFO out of the shot of the real star.

This year, during The Rapture that is sexual harassment awoke Hollywood, multiple actresses will be bringing along feminist activists as their dates to the Golden Globes. This in addition to the already huge sacrifice of wearing black dresses to the show. It’s kind of like Masada. Though the Jews there gave their lives rather than be captured. Here they are merely ordering their submissive husbands to stay home and watch in the theater room.

It’s unclear how the actresses decided who got to bring which activist. Perhaps a fantasy football player auction, or maybe taking turns, as women are able to do when men aren’t involved in the process. Emma Stone scored big with Billie Jean King, the founder of the Bille Jean King leadership initiative, teaching girls to invent boring names for their charitable foundations. Susan Sarandon selected Rosa Clemente, long time Green Party activist and proponent of Puerto Rican national independence, so they can be desperately poor and have no help during the next hurricane.

After lesbian and black were off the board, Meryl Streep selected Ai-Jen Poo, an Asian activist and director of the National Domestic Workers Alliance. Solid pick in the third round. Michelle Williams selected Tarana Burke, a gender and racial justice advocate with a penchant for amazing hashtags. Laura Dern went Latina farmworkers activist, Emma Watson chose a black British feminist. Shailene Woodley went Native American female activist. As the drafting wound down, Amy Poehler got stuck with a “co-op restaurant justice” proponent, which was like picking a field goal kicker in the upper rounds. Questionable at best.

It seems like only yesterday incredibly privileged white actresses rescued dogs from the shelter to signal their goodness. Now it’s women of color activists with whom they have zero in common save for the majority gender. At least the dogs got a blanket in the back for a couple years. This seems incredibly insulting. Or extremely noble, depending on your bubble.