South African Lady Semen Thieves Will Never Merit a Hashtag Protest

It’s a fine line between an urban legend and merely an occasionally occurring weird but true crime story. The tales of the semen thieves in Zimbabwe and now neighboring South Africa, robbing male hitchhikers of their bodily fluids at gun or knifepoint seems to be legit. There have been women named and arrested in the past for this very crime. Versus, say, the feet washing up on the shore in British, Columbia, where there’s zero evidence as to their origin.

The great thing about tribal African bizarre ritualistic sex crimes stories is that unlike similar bizarre crimes in the U.S., the African tales need not involve meth. Merely completely messed up chicks on a mission from God.

There appears to be some kind of spiritual practice demand for male sperm. You’d think the collection therein would be easy as men spill such seed in amounts daily around the world measured in metric tonnes. However, the cult rulebook calls for the sperm of broken men, which you can read as, unwilling donors. Rape victims. If only rural Southern Africa had time for Twitter hashtags. 

There have been at least four widely reported cases in the past few years of groups of women in cars picking up male hitchhikers, forcing the men to drink some kind of roofie concoction, then taking turns raping him into condoms to collect his seed. Since women make for much more genteel sexual predators, they drop the male victim off on the roadside after a day or two of deposits so he may seek help. 

(See an ever growing list of U.S. female perpetrated sex crimes.)

The latest case comes out of Northeastern South Africa, not far from the Zimbabwe border, where a 25-year old male hitchhiker was picked up in a car by a couple wild gals, forced to consume the drank, and gang raped at gunpoint, with his sperm likely headed to some kind of tribal Costco for big profit resale. The man was tumbled out of the car sometime afterward in a small town. He made his way to the authorities and was hospitalized in serious condition. No word if that’s from the forced shtupping or the potent potable.

Thankfully, it’s still okay to joke about assaults on men. They deserve it because Harvey Weinstein bullied Salma Hayek into creating the only watchable three minutes of Frida. Men always want it. Or do they, when it’s two rank looking 40-something Zimbabwean chicks missing teeth and holding weapons? Assume the anything close to reasonably attractive women aren’t taking on the hitchhiker sperm collection gigs.

We live in a world almost entirely filled with double standards. It’s how people are able to create benefits for themselves without feeling shitty about denying others the same rights. The SAG Awards producers aren’t going to admit they hate men and excluding them from the dais is their petty revenge. Everything needs to be couched. Forcible sperm collection makes it sound super clinical. Don’t wait for the march.