O.J. Is Going to Be a Grandpa!

Khloe Kardashian confirmed her pregnancy, after three solid months of the family’s public relations and social media teams carefully teasing the same news. The father was confirmed via social media, though not DNA testing, as Cleveland Cavalier boyfriend, Tristan Thompson, a man who has sealed his fate in ways his forebrain obviously couldn’t process before barebacking this immense stuffed turkey.

Khloe Kardashian has documented her fertility problems in previous years of the family’s reality show. Ever wondering why God wouldn’t grant her out of wedlock children like her sisters, despite being extremely promiscuous since her brain injury at sixteen. In particular, her reality show with then husband Lamar Odom focused on how she couldn’t give Odom any crack babies. Khloe cried a lot. Odom merely walked funny from having given himself a vasectomy with a butter knife so as not to lock himself for life to O.J.’s bastard daughter. 

Kardashian took to Instagram to officially announce she was carrying Thompson’s child in one of her rear saddlebags. An oily wet black and white bare gestational belly spray job seemed like the obvious choice:

“My greatest dream realized. We are having a baby! I had been waiting and wondering but God had a plan all along. He knew what He was doing. I simply had to trust in Him and be patient. I still at times can’t believe that our love created life! Tristan, thank you for loving me the way that you do! Thank you for treating me like a Queen! Thank you for making me feel beautiful at all stages! Tristan, most of all, Thank you for making me a MOMMY!!! You have made this experience even more magical than I could have envisioned! I will never forget how wonderful you’ve been to me during this time! Thank you for making me so happy my love!”

Knowing the daddy’s name is a thing. Better than some, not as good as most. Athletes in particular seem willing to sire children fairly indiscriminately, though that belies the tons of daydreaming of other women doggy sex that went into the procreation. Thompson’s last girlfriend had a baby of his but a year ago while he was dating Kardashian. It takes an understanding woman to gestate a power forward’s baby.

Sister Kylie Jenner has yet to officially declare her bastard rapper pregnancy, though insiders and her mute Croatian gynecologist are listing her as a second trimester sex toy. At the same time, Kim Kardashian’s paid uterus is delivering she and Kanye’s legal property baby sometime soon as well. A generation ago, the fertility issues plaguing this family from injections, cinched abdomens, and endless plastic surgeries, would have rendered them entirely barren. Blame modern medicine. And Satan. In equal measure.