John Mayer Not Quite Dead

America held its breath with the wide-scale hysterical news announcement that John Mayer was taken to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. Not taken to the hospital so much as “rushed” or “sped” to the hospital depending on whose news feed you follow. According to the official announcement from his touring promote, he “checked into” the hospital for his life saving surgery and had to cancel his New Orleans gig tonight with members of The Grateful Dead. Approximately 1,324 people had Applebee’s but no concert this evening.

The thing about appendicitis in the First World, it’s not life-threatening. The ailment itself hurts like a mofo, prompting people to hurry to their doctor or a hospital and have their appendix removed. A quick Google search shows that almost nobody dies from an appendectomy, and almost nobody dies even in the case where the appendix has split open, save for the very young and very old who also fill out the ranks of those who still die from the flu in a world with unlimited TV channel options.

Outside of the numerous hot women John Mayer has banged, an impressive list, and the tons of other women that would gladly get in line, it’s hard to find people who have a favorable opinion of John Mayer. Some of the disdain is clearly jealous for a guy who’s turned little into a ton of sales and trim. Others perhaps are rubbed wrong by his shit-eating grin. Either way, the Amber Alert cellphone shaking level frenzy for his appendicitis seems a bit much.

HuffPost declared this to be a “developing story” and asked people to stay tuned for updates. Could we hope for a nicked or perforated bowel perhaps?  1 in 10,000 of these medical matters turn south. Light more candles, for or against.

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