Chrissy Teigen Pan Am Ho Convention Birthday

A post shared by Kim Kardashian Snapchats (@kimksnapchats) on Nov 30, 2017 at 8:51pm PST

Chrissy Teigen managed to keep her nipples and cellulite at bay, as far as we know, during her Pan Am-themed thirty-second birthday party that people are talking about for some reason. Pan Am harkening back to a time when a male pilot could full-blown rape a stewardess and still make it home in time to punch his wife. Modeled on Teigen’s relationship with John Legend. Kidding, but…? The retro shindig brought out a handful of ho bags, and just imagining the gobs of money required to throw this Instagram photo shoot is enough to make you hate Teigen more than you already do. Which I know literally seems impossible, but just look at the pics. Teigen had this to say to her close friends who love her for her and not for her fame and wealth:

Welcome to Chrissy’s Pan Am flight! We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know what we’re doing but we don’t care. Thank you all for dressing up, I felt like an ass for making you guys do this. This is a more intimate gathering than what we have at the house and stuff. You guys mean so much to us, me especially. We love you guys!

Apparently a replica plane was assembled, where guests all played bingo together. Fun. I’m sure I could recreate any of their stimulating conversations with a dead sidewalk bird. Kim Kardashian barreled her way through the party with a cupcake-shaped purse in tow, which Teigen ate half of before realizing it wasn’t real. Kris Jenner showed up wearing a grill cover, and all around, this looks like a miserable time. Certainly nothing like the parties I go to. Rumor has it that at our office Christmas party we’ll be able to order anything we want off the left side of the menu as long as it’s under three dollars. Take that Teigen. 

^{Photo Credit: Instagram, Snapchat}