Actresses Wearing All Black to the Golden Globes to Mourn the Death of Fun

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In Hollywood, that reaction is measured entirely by symbolism, impotency, and the ability to incorporate fashion forward haute couture. 

The oppressed ladies of Hollywood, very similar in their subjugation to those Madagascar girls turned out for two bucks a pop by their tribal families, have decided to wear black to the Golden Globes. The black represents their unity in stands against gender inequality and sexual harassment in the business. Also, it’s appropriate for formal evening events and their key wardrobe designers surely have something that works in that color ready for January. Nothing says die-hard protest like a ten grand couture gown from Versace. 

Twelve-year old looking celebrity YouTube blogger, Jackie Oshry, broke the exciting announcement:

“So all of the female actresses and attendees, or most of them at least, are standing in solidarity together in a form of protest. They’re all going to be wearing black, obviously, to protest the injustices that have been taking place in Hollywood since forever.”

Obviously. Black is the color of mourning. As in, the death of any fun. Dick jokes are murder. Nobody should ever know how their parents came together to make them.

You wonder at what point the vast majority of men who don’t whip their dicks out during casting calls or try to fuck desperate ingenues just off the bus will flip the switch on this extremist counter-response to men in Hollywood being opportunists. A woman might validly commit to not watching a show produced by a man who sexually offends women. Therein, a man might validly commit to not watching shows produced with the premise that all men are past, present or future sexual offenders. 

Last year Hollywood tried to amend their historic racism by nominating every person of color who came close to working on a movie. This year, they’re covering for their fat pigs who rose to power in entertainment so they could get laid. And hurting everybody who works in the business in the process. You have to break a few eggs if you want an omelet you’ll send back to the cook with comments then never eat because you’re vegan.

Though wealthy white women and their toady supplicants hold an inordinate measure of power in the social media age, it’s helpful to ignore them as you did before. They’ve never put in the time or work to deserve a hearing. They almost entirely disregard the truly troubled and suffering women of this world in exchange for cheaply acquired Brentwood nobility. It’s Less Than Zero but with prescription anti-depressants. Blah.

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