The Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon Dream Show Is Here

Apple’s qualifications to become a viable channel for original entertainment content rests heavily on their distribution network of mobile devices and their gobs and gobs of fuck-you money. Facebook only has the latter, and they’re attempting the same business pivot. 

The people in charge of Apple’s soon to launch over-the-top TV network self-described their programming as ass in a pre-prepared statement:

“Apple’s [content] strategy is to focus on extremely mild, family-friendly fare that straddles the drama and comedy genres but doesn’t get too deep into any one niche.”

So, a hooker who doesn’t do that sex thing. Some guys simply need a friendly HIV positive ear to bend.

To show their commitment to spending a ton of money on safe programming against which they can run tons of big brand advertising, Apple announced two programs to launch their channel. The first being a vaguely defined Steven Spielberg project where Steven shows you amazing new creative talents in cinema. The second, and impossibly even less exciting, a Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston drama about the challenges of women who work in morning talk shows.

“Top of the Morning” sounds amazing. Under the context of identifying mild fare with big named mild talent who evoke mild interest, you can’t do better. Apple had to win a bidding war for the project since everybody and their uncle who owns a media outlet is looking for female produced and starring bland fare. Both to show gender progress and sell a shit ton of mascara. One step forward, two steps back.

It remains unclear what will become of Hollywood once all the talented men who also happen to be ego-challenged aggressive gropers are shipped off to the re-education camps. But presume a ton more “Top of the Morning” shows from Apple and Reese and Jen. Edgy is dead. Consider Russian language programming.

_{Photo credit: Getty Images / Splash News}