Sia Doesn’t Understand How Nude Leaks Work

Sia’s the chick who wears the hair over her face to disguise her identity so she can lead a normal, non-famous life. People hardly recognize her when she’s shopping at designer boutiques on Fifth Avenue or vacationing off the Gold Coast, like normal people. It’s a gimmick. Can’t say it hasn’t worked for her. You wouldn’t recommend it to an attractive woman.

(See Nude Photo Here)

Sia claims somebody’s trying to sell nude photos of her to her fans. Huffington Post immediately called the seller a “creep” and a “man”, which is both redundant, and expected from their editorial staff of white privileged millennial women in fashionable bohemian wear. An ounce of investigation would reveal that it’s actually not possible to sell celebrity nude photos. Should you be a hacker, you can give them away to sites that might publish them for clickbait, but nobody purchases obviously stolen photos. The same reason you can’t drive a truck full of unmarked open boxed stereo equipment up to a Best Buy and ask the manager if he wants to buy some speakers. 

This photos in question is a paparazzi photo from a photo agency that ceased to exist six months ago, and a preview of the photo at that. If you’re in this business, you get emails from people all the time who find these pics on message boards and claim they own them and are selling them for $500. Nobody responds to crappy phishing.

But, a victim opportunity missed is a victim opportunity lost. Sia posted the preview photo the seller was hawking that one of her fans sent her. She claimed it was to cut off his ability to sell the photos. Which, again, the seller almost certainly doesn’t have, and clearly can’t sell. Silly facts. Real criminals don’t fence their loot on Twitter. Minus politicians, naturally.

“Someone is apparently trying to sell naked photos of me to my fans. Save your money, here it is for free. Everyday is Christmas!”

Shekels secured. Thanks, Sia. This is not as great as your pedo-inspired Maddie Ziegler and Shia LaBeouf disturbing music videos, but super close. P.S. Consider squats.

To honor her perfect comeback and humility, HuffPo cropped Sia’s naked backside out of the photo of the Tweet they reposted, then included the link so you could see the full picture. Empty gestures are the new non-empty gestures. It turns out while writing this I realize I despise HuffPo far more than Sia. At least she produces something of value to somebody.

_{Photo credit: Sia / Twitter / Backgrid USA}