Fox News Anchor: Texas Victims Lucky Jesus Watched Them Bleed Out

Jesus sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake, and he knows where to witness you getting gunned down by a psychopath in a church in Texas. While covering the devastating Sutherland Springs, Texas massacre that left twenty-six dead and twenty injured, Fox news anchor Ainsley Earhardt concluded that churches are the best places to get murdered because you get to do it close to Jesus. The guy likes a front row seat. Some are noting that this idea of Final Fantasy: Church Shooting could be insensitive to the families of those who lost their lives, while others are praising Earhardt for putting a positive spin on something for once. Why does the news always have to be so negative?

We’ve been reporting this shouldn’t happen in a church, but I was downstairs talking with some people that work here — we all talk about our faith and we share the same beliefs — we were saying there’s no other place we would wanna go other than church, because I’m there, asking for forgiveness, I feel very close to Christ when I’m there.

So I’m trying to look at some positives here. I know that those people are with the Lord now and experiencing eternity and no more suffering and no more sadness anymore.

As someone who grew up in Appalachia, I definitely know a thing or two about being surrounded by people waiting to die, so I get it. Shootings have become so ubiquitous that getting out of bed for one involving less than a dozen victims seems tedious. If anything, people should pray that they get shot with at least two dozen others so that they get some sort of coverage. Ignore that Jesus. Thinking critically about the Texas shooting might lead one to preach preventative measures in hopes that guns will remain pointed at food and assailants. And the Hadids. Kidding. Not people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. And while I can tell that Earhardt is super smart and definitely didn’t get her job by being the designated Fox News cock pincushion, she obviously doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her rational, unbiased, intelligent analysis on air. So she normalizes the idea of Jesus watching a Quentin Tarantino scene in a house of God. The good news is Ainsley’s dream of meeting her maker in church seems more obtainable than ever. 

^{Photo Credit: Fox News}