Mariah Carey Had Gastric Bypass and It’s All Your Fault

The wanton and mass destruction caused by body-shamers has yet to be calculated. Imagine Stalin plus annoying cuts from opening plastic clamshell packaging from China and you have some idea.

The latest victim, Mariah Carey. Carey claims that the rise in online criticisms of her body caused her to consider the not uncommon, but hardly complimentary gastric sleeve surgery. Though she admitted the whole body shaming thing was secondary to the fact that it was becoming super hard to dance. Also, she had this Chinese Theater hand and footprint ceremony coming up. You’ve got to knee for that unless you arrive in a wheelchair.

“Mariah underwent the procedure about a month ago, and she is already seeing some good results, and she feels a lot better.”

There’s no doubt the twice divorced singer was growing a stout gut for several years now. According to her handlers, Carey prefers to live in a fantasy world about her weight, including cutting all the size tags off her clothes so she never has to know her actual measurements. That sounds like a healthy way of living. Unless you’re fat and it’s really called lying.

It’s hard to say where muffin tops begin and body shaming hyperbole begins. For instance, Carey was never truly as fat as a whale. Though she was too fat for her clothes and her backup dancers were struggling to lift her. Even outpatient, those hernia remediation procedures start to add up. And sodomy is limited during recovery.

The alternative to gastric bypass surgery is to reduce the consumption of cheesecake bites wrapped in lettuce leaf camouflage. Surgery is simple. It’s nearly impossible not to lose weight when your stomach is the size of a pinot noir grape. 

Whether or not the weight loss will improve Carey’s look, her ability to sing on key, and her ever malfunctioning stage equipment remains to be seen. Just imagine the yard sale to come with the fat girl designer clothes. It’s time to shop, forty percent of American women.

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