Kate Upton Permanently Removed From Single Lady Pool

If her name is Kate and she takes her clothes off for pictures as her profession there’s a chance she’s highly attractive. First we had Kate Moss then life gave us Kate Upton. There was a glimmer of hope every time Upton got undressed that the status quo for being a model would mean you actually needed to be in shape and attractive. I’m all for equality but at my core I’m genuinely not interested in looking long enough at any advertisement that has a 300 pound gender fluid person to see what product they’re peddling. Before 2017 it was a simple formula that worked. Hot women make people pay attention. I hate playing games on my phone. It’s a waste of time. They put Kate’s voluptuous breasts in a 30 second Game of War ad and I was sold. Titties have powers to make men change their mind. Don’t believe me, just ask your mom how you got here. But in some weird twist of fate Kate was taken from us. She’s officially getting married over the weekend. 

The only thing better than winning the World Series might be marrying a supermodel the same week, as Houston Astros pitcher Justin Verlander is about to find out. The athlete, who got a huge smooch from love Kate Upton when his team clinched the World Series in Game 7 Wednesday night, will be tying the knot with his supermodel fiancée in Italy this weekend.

The couple, who announced their engagement at last year’s Met Gala with a one-of-a-kind ring designed by Verlander and jeweler Anita Ko, have been dating since early 2014. Verlander proposed shortly before baseball season in 2016, but the couple kept it under wraps for a few months – and have maintained that same low-key approach as they’ve planned their wedding over the past year and a half.

Just because she’s getting a ring Saturday doesn’t mean I’ve lost all hope. Non existent affairs with supermodels will always have room for fantasy in my mind. Justin Verlander just won the World Series And is marrying Kate Upton in Italy, he’s winning at life right now. So as someone who shares the same gender I’m naturally inclined to be happy for him. I’m praying his life doesn’t turn into Eastbound and Down in a few years. Because there’s something about having a hot wife that makes you lazy when it comes to your craft. 

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