Spencer Pratt Grooming Newborn For Celebrity Rehab

Spencer Pratt and botched sex slave Heidi Montag provide exclusive details about the birth of their son, Gunner Stone, in the new Us Weekly, and also share some pictures of themselves cuddling up with the new anti-christ. The baby is cute enough, Pratt’s expression is that of a mass shooter’s, and Montag looks like someone who’s going to accidentally drop her baby every day. Adorable.

I didn’t think news regarding two and a half terrible people was interesting enough to write about until I read Pratt’s plans for his son’s future. With the name Gunner Stone you would assume Pratt was grooming him to be a hardcore gay porn star, but his aspirations for his offspring, in fact, lie in sports:

He’ll probably be a pitcher, so when Gunner steps to the mound, he’s going to be gunning those throws down home plate. If he wants to be a skier, he’s going to be gunning down those moguls. [The name] just applies to a lot of sports.

Montag unfortunately wasn’t able to join the conversation due to complications from being brain dead, so Pratt continued to spill the hot gos on his child’s lifetime of emotional abuse:

You’re not a good parent if you’re not trying to get your son set up to potentially get a $250 million gig, If doctors were getting paid $250 million, we’d hit the books hard, but currently that’s not the reality.

Pratt wants his son to play “Probably baseball” due to his blind rage:

I only want him to work a few days for $30 million or so. As cool as NFL quarterback would be, it would just be hard for me to watch people smash my son and not run onto the field and smash them.

That mentality will come in handy while parenting a fragile infant. Money-grubbing, shameless parents Montag and Pratt are crucial to Disney casting directors looking to play tween grab ass, and to the success of basically all of TLC and reality television in general. Pratt doesn’t have to worry about his son throwing his life away on becoming a stupid doctor. He’ll definitely die of a drug overdose before high school. 

^{Photo Credit: Us Weekly}