Don’t Blow the Phallus Shaped Woodwinds

Nothing could be more benevolent than a humanitarian organization such as “Flutes Across the World”. They circulate “peace themed” school recorders among and between children in hard to pronounce countries around the world.

“Each flute is decorated by hand, has a photo tied onto it and inside is placed a personal handwritten note by the flute giver to their unknown flute friend in another part of the world. They decorate a pair of flutes with symbols of peace, unity and healing. They learn to play music from diverse cultures through listening and watching, the oldest way we learn music and language in the world still today.”

Except in the event the guy running the program is jizzing on the recorders before passing them out in fourth grade assemblies. Unclear who tipped off the authorities, but the as yet unnamed suspect was arrested. As you might expect, Flutes Across the World disappeared rather suddenly from all of their social and websites. If you’re able to detach yourself from the pure nastiness, pretty brilliant pedo plan; build a legitimized humanitarian organization dedicated to passing out woodwind instruments to children.

In an email you never want to receive from your local public school, a superintendent updated elementary student parents that they appeared to one of thirteen California schools where the as yet unnamed Flutes Across the World guy came to speak and present his very special instruments:

“The performer distributes a flute-like musical instrument made of PVC pipe or bamboo to students during a music lesson, and the allegation is that he contaminated some of these instruments with semen. These allegations are deeply concerning, and I realize they raise many questions.”

Deeply concerning is usually an overstatement. In this case, it seems like the opposite. As a mom of one of the affected kids best summed up the feeling:

“My kids have brought these flutes home. They’re putting their mouths on it, and they’re playing with these instruments. And for someone to contaminate it with their bodily fluids, that’s disgusting. My kids could’ve gotten sick.”

Or pregnant, depending on the gender and precociousness of your children.

The entire story sums up what many of us have felt for many years but couldn’t quite put into words: grown men who tour grammar schools with special presentations are 99% likely to be child molesters. Also, the school recorder music program never had a reason for being. A shrilly blown “When the Saints Come Marching In” remains far less important than addressing immensely poor illiteracy and dropout rates. Also, girls who find algebra gross. Tainted flutes aren’t going to help.