DiCaprio’s Dick Is Approaching Unstoppability

Leonardo DiCaprio running through young international models is maybe half a step removed from the casting couch. He may be handsome, but nineteen year old New Zealand bikini models have options for guys younger than their dad. DiCaprio is offering a certain quid pro quo. Similar to the reasons why a young actress is suddenly on the arm of a director twice her age and appearing in his latest movie. Except the adjectives used to describe DiCaprio in the trades are typically complimentary. 

DiCaprio never comments on the young models he bangs. He tends to smile when asked and call everybody a great gal. As if your grandpa was commenting on the secretaries in his office in 1962. It’s a solid policy of non-denial denial. Ask Israel if they have nukes. They borrow heavily from DiCaprio in their official statements.

DiCaprio’s new biblical relations buddy is Juliette Perkins. The question isn’t whether 42-year old DiCaprio’s girlfriends graduated high school, it’s, was it this past May? She looks young, even if unequivocally hot. Expect her Instagram account followers to double with ever paparazzi snap of her leaving an Italian boutique hotel five minutes ahead of DiCaprio but out a different door. If you can convince your girlfriend you can’t ever be seen with her, but she still needs to do anal and applaud your environmental work, you’ve got some kind of cocksman power.

The business of fame and great fortune is an ugly one. Ugly things happen to very pretty people. Once in a while, a senile old ex-President might pat your ass. Occasionally, Harvey Weinstein’s shlong needs an audience or the nine o’clock show. Don’t think DiCaprio didn’t experience the same. You don’t get those Romper Room child actor gigs at five without a little good touch bad touch switcheroo. We need a 24-hour Purge on harassment claims. You’re in the harassment industry. Nobody’s fondling the lab techs at DuPont.

_{Photo credit: Instagram}