Bill O’Reilly Blames God For Bad Behavior

Unfortunately for the man above, he has become nothing more than a scapegoat these days. Not too long before, the big guy upstairs used to be the glue that held certain societies together. Someone to pray to in the face of danger and after unprotected sex with strippers. It’s common knowledge saying three Hail Marys stops HIV right in its tracks. But according to Bill O’Reilly God is the reason for his sexual harassment problems. Bill used his personal web series No Spin News to air out God’s dirty laundry. Being able to breeze through life on easy mode because you’re wealthy and white in this world wasn’t enough of a blessing. Bill wanted God sponsored bumper guards up when trying to bowl a strike with women. 

(Bill) “You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said on the latest episode of his web series, “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

Though he no longer has a show on an actual network, O’Reilly believes his success is still too much for his enemies too handle, enemies which now include a higher power, apparently. 

I find it hard to have sympathy for a man who has paid more millions in sexual harassment settlements than I may ever make in my life. Whether you choose to believe in a higher power or not is everyone’s individual decision. I personally have a “just in case” clause in my constitution. While I don’t believe there’s a being that’ll let some kid starve to death in Africa and then bless you with a bonus at work to buy a new zero turn lawnmower you didn’t need, I don’t proactively curse and condemn God. Just in case. Who really wants to die only to find out God is real and you don’t have the proper ID to get into club heaven. I’m not interested in dealing with hellfire and torture for all eternity because that’s a really long time.