Andy Dick Fired For Sexual Musconduct, Duh

Andy Dick rose to what we’ll call fame, for lack of a better word, during a time when miniature screeching man-children were all the rage. He’s more Tom Green than David Spade, but they’re all just awful, and you’d probably believe any story about any of them collecting and distributing child pornography. Just have that air about them. Dick has a proud history of sexually assaulting everyone within grabbing distance, and he loves to pin his behavior on his depression and fistfuls of bath salts and angel dust. Not much has changed now that he’s a thousand years old. Dick is still getting fired from projects – this time from some movie called Raising Buchanan – except now he’s claiming that he’s innocent of the sexual assault claims. I assume any action Dick gets is the result of assault, so I find him hard to believe. 

Nothing is more commonplace in Hollywood than depressed old comedians. They were fighting for attention for their whole lives – assuming gratification and self-worth were just another person’s accepting chuckle away – only to find that happiness will forever elude them. Then they commit suicide. Dick’s D-list version of whatever Jim Carey is about these days usually culminates in him grabbing balls and tits at bars. Though I feel he’d be more at ease if he just admitted to focusing more on the balls. While talking to The Hollywood Reporter about being fired from Raising Buchanan for sexual assault claims, Dick is equal parts defensive and admitting, and seems like a legit bipolar crackhead:

My middle name is ‘misconduct.’ They know what they signed up for. I don’t grope people anymore. I don’t expose myself anymore. I do understand that the temperature in the world right now is delicate. I didn’t grab anybody’s genitals. Of course I’m going to proposition people. I’m single, depressed, lonely and trying to get a date. They can just say no, and they probably did and then I was done.

I might have kissed somebody on the cheek to say goodbye and then licked them. That’s my thing. I overtook my medication and took too many Xanax and I was a bit loopy (on set). That didn’t make me rape people. I really don’t get it. I’m always trying to be funny and trying to get a date. I still don’t have a date. I am on Tinder and I’m looking.

I don’t know the difference between sexual harassment and trying to get a date. In the ’70s, all the girlfriends I got was by kissing and licking their cheek. I don’t know anymore. There were beautiful women and beautiful guys on the set. I flirt with them. I might kiss someone on the set and ask them to go to dinner. They are the ones that took it south.

Dick finishes things off with this epitaph-ready mantra:

I won’t lick anyone’s face anymore. We have an agreement.

These timelines are never 100% predictable, but, when exactly is he going to kill himself?

^{Photo Credit: Getty Images}