370-Pound Man Sues Six Flags For Pool Masturbation Allegations

Amusement parks are the end all be all place to teach your kids that shit gets real out there, and nothing is more real than a 370-pound man jerking his innie in a wave pool in front of his daughter. Allegedly. According to TMZ, A security guard at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor witnessed Eric Anthony Guinea doing something with his hand underwater, and told him publically to stop touching himself and to vacate the pool. Another guard supposedly chimed in, jokily asking Guinea if he was a sex offender. With Six Flags employees who look like murderers awaiting their bond hearings knowing a thing or two about sex offenders. 

Guinea is now suing the park for embarrassing him in front of America’s elite bobbing around in piss and Band-Aid stew. He says that he was just fidgeting with a rubber band that he found in the pool, and that the encounter was all the more humiliating because he’s 370-pounds and covered in tattoos and keloids. I’m excited to be in the same body of water as him. 

We all have our most jarring amusement park encounters as little kids. I saw albino Asian twins at Universal Orlando and a man without an ear – with his long hair pulled back into a ponytail so everyone could see – at Downtown Disney. But these fine folks deserve the same rights as normal people, and aren’t necessarily sex offenders. But probably are. Paying sixty dollars to surround yourself with people you wouldn’t sit next to on a bus. Amusement parks are the best. 

^{Photo Credit: Six Flags}