Weiner On Ice for Next 21 Months

Former Congressman and husband to Hillary Clinton’s asexual lesbian confidant, Anthony Weiner, cried before the judge who sentenced him to 21-months hard time for sexting his junk and rape fantasies to a 15-year old girl in the Carolinas. Weiner’s dick tugging and picture sharing compulsion plagued him for many years, cost him his job, his wife, and now finally, his liberty. That would sound more tragic if the protagonist wasn’t Anthony Weiner. 

Weiner maintains that he didn’t know the precise age of the girl he was sexting. When you’re not sure if a girl’s underage, best to proceed with cum shot pics. Weiner’s attorneys pointed out that the victim took money from the DailyMail to share her story. But the judge in the sentencing hearing largely called bullshit because a young teen girl is de facto jailbait, even if an opportunist:

“[Weiner] used graphic and obscene language to ask the minor victim to display her naked body and touch herself, which she did. The defendant knew this young woman was in high school and getting her learner’s permit.”

Unclear if Weiner sobbed harder during the learner’s permit revelation or rubbed one out beneath the defense table. Weiner was facing up to ten years in prison for his guilty plea to the crimes, but the judge noted mitigating factors such as Weiner’s dedication to his sexual addiction rehab, a heartfelt expression of contrition, and a commitment to helping others with similar problems. How exactly Weiner is helping other young girl sexting addicts remains unclear. Though for people who text with two hands apparently he’s a godsend. If he’s not immediately killed in prison, he may actually do quite well for himself.

The press noted that Huma Abedin did not attend the hearing. As if that’s where the now ex-wife wants to spend her Monday morning. Listening to her husband’s virtual statutory rape stories and watching him snot into his hankie. Her sanctuary is an afternoon with Hillary Clinton. Maybe it’s time to start feeling sorry for Abedin. It remains to be seen who steps in for the conjugals. There’s a prison bride for every man.

^{Photo credit: Getty Images}