Tom Cruise Isn’t Checking In With Suri Very Often

A new report in InTouch Weekly claims Tom Cruise hasn’t seen his daughter Suri in the past four years. Or about since that time he sued the shit out of  Life and Style magazine for claiming he had abandoned his daughter post-divorce.

In 2012, Cruise filed a $50 million lawsuit against Life and Style owner Bauer Media for portraying him as an absentee father. The magazine claimed Cruise barely saw his then six-year old daughter. Tabloids print a ton of shit about Cruise likely assuming he’ll never sue because of deposition questions involving couch jumping, Xenu’s intergalactic spaceship and tongue-kissing women with mustaches named Claude. Cruise claimed to be so outraged by the magazine’s allegation of derelict fathering, he pushed the legal proceedings regardless.

A year later Cruise settled for undisclosed terms with Bauer wherein everybody pretended to be friends and the whole thing never happened. The legal analysis seemed to be that Cruise’s team was going to have a hard time proving malice on the part of the magazine. Though they did dig deep enough to find WWII era Nazi connections for the German magazine publisher. Trust that Scientologists will find what you’re hiding. Eventually everybody grew sick of writing seven figure checks to their attorneys and abandoned the case.

According to InTouch’s new story, it’s quite possible Katie Holmes and Suri have been named “suppressive persons” by the Church. Punishment for leaving Scientology. Meaning Cruise would not be allowed communication with either of them. That part where your religion forbids you from ever having bad idea makeup sex with your ex seems solid, though cutting off your kid from her own dad seems blatantly brutal. Especially when your dad owns race cars and helicopters. You at least want to visit that dad on holidays.

In recent interviews, Katie Holmes has begun dropping what a wonderful father figure her new beard Jamie Foxx is for Suri. You have to wonder if deep down Cruise is seething at his own beloved religious institution for swapping Foxx in for himself. He’d be pissed if that happened for a movie role. Or maybe he takes solace in his daughter growing up in the presence of one down low male figure. She’ll learn to be a better person. Just kidding, she’s going to be a fucking nightmare. She never stood a chance. Remember that at the witch trials.

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