Tarot Card Reader Not Salvador Dali’s Bastard

A Spanish woman named Maria Pilar Abel Martinez has spent many years begging authorities to dig up the decades old remains of wealthy surrealist painter, Salvador Dali, to prove through DNA test that she’s his bastard child. Martinez’ mom was in the employ of Dali at some point in the 1950’s, either as a maid, a cook, or a whore depending on which rumors you believe. Perhaps all three if she were employee of the month.

Though similarly vague rumors peg Dali as either gay or asexual, despite being married. He was vehemently outspoken about his desire to never procreate. Though Schwarzenegger probably didn’t desire more kids when he decided to put the schnitzel into his frumpy Spanish maid. Shit happens.

Martinez evidence of her Dali lineage was a letter from a friend of her deceased mom’s claiming that her mother’s latter day confession was that her daughter was by Dali. That’s either triple hearsay or quadruple, depending on where you start counting. After years of being turned away from a posthumous DNA request, a Spanish court finally allowed Dali’s skeletal remains to be exhumed and his skull fragments put to the test. If proven a match to Martinez, the 60-year old fortune teller could come into a couple hundred million in euros. That’s a lot of wine and olives. Also, somebody would have to update Dali’s wikipedia page. 

In what surprised nobody, the Dali remains proved no match to Martinez. Dali wasn’t exactly an NFL cornerback in the unfettered unleashing of his juices. It seemed highly dubious from the start, which made everybody wonder why you’d dig up a long dead man in the first place to comb through his bones. You’d hope once you make it to death, you’re free of such charges of earthly scandal. The man lived to 84. Not like you didn’t have time in there to file claims.

As a general rule, completely discount the bold assertions of a tarot card reader or any woman with an accent working in the fortune telling business. They claim to see things nobody else can see but they’re also all four months late on their apartment rent and facing eviction. That’s no super power. Now, buy a candle or the gypsy will curse you. Her mom once did Dali’s dishes.

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