Madonna Moves Away Again

If there’s a hanky big enough for a national sob, unveil it now. Madonna’s moving away again. This is not Madonna’s first farewell to the United States. Previously, she moved to a castle in England declaring herself wanting to get out of the ugly spotlight of the American media. There she made a kid with Guy Ritchie who she couldn’t care for less. That would be Guy Ritchie and the kid. Also, lack of spotlight caused her man junk sized clitoris to shrink. It was a very poorly thought out plan.

Madonna announced she’s now ditching America for Portugal. She posted a photo of herself as the Colossus of Rhodes to remind people more classically why they can’t stand her. 

The energy of Portugal is so inspiring. I feel very creative and alive here and I look forward to working on my film LOVED and making New Music!!! This will be the next Chapter in My Book! It’s time to conquer the world from a different vantage point!

It’s impossible to recreate the amount of emojis in Madonna’s post, but imagine an old crone desperately trying to act like a teenage girl and you’ll have your guesstimate. 

Madonna feels Portugal will be key to her next wave of music writing she doesn’t do herself, and film directing, which she does do herself, much to the detriment of the six Frenchmen who see her movies every five years to affirm their sexual identity. Her next film will be called “Loved”. She’s directing and co-wrote the screenplay based on a book you read if you’re in a book club with Lena Dunham:

“The novel follows the title character as she moves through time and negotiates three different lives she could have lived. The story also focuses on Greta’s relationship with her gay twin brother, Felix, in those different lives.”

Quite surprisingly, Madonna did not mention Trump in her goodbye speech. She had promised to leave the country if he were elected, though that list was long and nobody executed. Less surprising, she also didn’t mention her adopted babies potpourri, presumably being packed in crates with holes punched on either end for sea air. 

The expression ‘Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you” comes to mind. But she’s already gone. The face chisels all packed. The gooey residue of lamb fetus used as a restorative. And a baker’s dozen of multilingual nannies. All in suitcases already landed in Lisbon. Portugal’s gain is our loss. We’ll take your nation’s worst serial killer and call it even.