Lady Gaga Gets Touched

Former pop star Lady Gaga is still hoing out her Netflix documentary, Gaga: Five Foot Two, with a sense of self-importance that should be reserved for whoever cures cancer or Lena Dunham when she finally learns what to wear for her body type. A fumigation tarp. Younger generations don’t remember when Gaga produced music that people listened to, and instead know her as the colorful Bud Light, Pepsi, and Starbucks sales rep. Next you can catch her going door to door selling vacuums. Mary Kay rejected her application due to the startling nature of her man face. 

Gaga’s sorrows make all of Africa look like Disney World by comparison, and in a new clip for Gaga: Five Foot Two, we learn that she used to get touched a lot, and then not touched:

I go from everyone touching me all day and talking at me all day, to total silence. And all these people will leave and I’ll be alone.

This led to “paranoia, fear, body pain, [and] anxiety.” Only someone with their head so far up their colon they can do the Human Centipede solo could deliver these lines with a straight face. Gaga assumes the weight of the world is on her questionably tatted shoulders, when in actuality, she could spend the rest of her days in a storm drain and people would be just fine. The gays have already moved on emotionally from her gay baiting ways and the straights peaced out with those extra thirty pounds signaling the Art Pop era. At the end of the trailer, Gaga pulls a hilarious stunt by asking a store clerk in what looks to be something like an Office Max if they have the new Lady Gaga album. They do not. And neither does anyone else. Take the hint.

^{Photo Credit: Netflix}