Crank Candles Double As Dildos

Being a drug dealer is hard. And getting crank past cops requires creativity. But I would like to shake the hand of the man that thought smuggling boxes full of meth dick dildo candles wouldn’t raise any questions. Or get you and your cohorts a sentence of ten in the pen while a baffled judge attempts to make sense of your defense and sexual preferences. But then I realized dealers are often users. And this was probably a plan cooked up while high on the product. Maybe things got lost in translation as the smugglers who got busted were allegedly part of a Mexican cartel. In addition to the crank cock candles there were religious candles for good measure.

Police pounced on the drug smugglers—who NBC News reports are allegedly part of a Mexican cartel—after they dropped off more than 1,300 pounds of meth-laced candles at a Paterson, New Jersey, warehouse Tuesday night. A source told the New York Post that the candles would have yielded an estimated 60 kilos of crystal meth once they were melted down.

I feel like drug dealers would need a drug dealer insurance for instances like these. Most insurance companies are already shady and underhanded so I don’t see why Geico couldn’t add a drug peddler protection plan policy. Do you really think cops care if you wear a seat belt for safety? Click it or ticket comes from insurance companies not wanting to pay out after EMTs scrape your body from the pavement. I think there’s a slew of lessons buried in this story. Don’t disguise 1,300 pounds of illegal drugs as dicks is definitely one of them. 

Photo Credit: DEA