Zuckerberg Paternity Leave Request Accepted

There’s nothing worse than rich cuckolds pretending they’re one of the guys. You wouldn’t let Judd Apatow or Chris Martin into your weekly Hold ‘Em game.

Mark Zuckerberg plays his Marie Antoinette games of being a commoner. Antoinette built the “poor people village” in the back of her royal estate to play serf with her rich friends. The same way suburban chicks slum it downtown for thrills. Zuckerberg tried that thing where he was visiting blue collar families randomly at their homes for Sunday night dinner to get to know America. It largely made everybody uncomfortable, despite his cash donations to their favorite charities and a new big screen or two. That project was rolled back without much fanfare after about three stops. For now he’s sticking with cheap haircuts and Hanes t-shirts.

After the birth of his first daughter, named Max for all sorts of personal and politically correct reasons, Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan announced they were setting up a massive charitable foundation to give away their tens of billions in their daughter’s name. It later turned out to be almost entirely a very clever tax shelter. Nobody blames one of the world’s richest men for scheming to keep his dough. Except for that man himself. So much guilt.

With the birth of their second daughter, Zuckerberg announced he’s taking paternity leave from Facebook. This was a great opportunity to remind everybody that Facebook offers four months leave for new moms and new dads, because that’s cutting edge caring. Though Zuckerberg noted he’s only taking one month now, and another month in December, when his Hawaiian estate the size of Delaware will have completed its non-ironic Trump Wall.

Naturally, it’s idiotic for Zuckerberg to pretend he puts in HR paperwork like the guy making sure the pirated Mayweather-McGregor streams are running hot on a Saturday night. If dad’s role in raising a baby was so important, why wouldn’t he take off some real time from work? Presumably he has decent people who could steer the ship. It’s Facebook. Everybody in the world simultaneously hates and uses it. It’s worth $500 billion. Come back in a couple years, what’s the worst that can happen? It’s worth $450 billion? Your kids will eat. They need you to pen more sappy letters, formulate more ways to protect your wealth, and actively fake being culturally and politically openminded. 

For eons people have tried to predict the sign of the end of times. If you have Silicon Valley and a very few small number of super rich knuckleheads with bad hair virtually running the world, you’re probably close to bingo.