Whole Foods Admits It’s Been Ripping Off the Yoga Pantsers

Amazon’s first order of business as the new owner of the hip Whole Foods supermarket chain was to lower prices up to forty-five percent on a broad range of staple food items. Or, admit the store’s been playing their hipster and yoga leaning better than average looking customers for the past decade. Think of all the money that could’ve been spent on fair trade cotton and Arcade Fire retrospectives.

Whole Foods isn’t merely a grocery store touting all natural and organic food items, it’s a massive virtue signal. I pay four bucks for an apple. I am not rich in money necessarily, but in caring points. I value my planet, my neighbors, and my local farmers. None of whom could give a shit, for the record.

Stepping into a Whole Foods isn’t the same as Smart & Final, by about forty-percent BMI. The number of attractive women in the stores purchasing up to three grocery items per week is certainly a draw. The fact you can’t purchase a bottle of Advil when you have a raging hangover is less helpful. You can purchase numerous homeopathic pain relievers at 10x wholesale markup. Not likely to work as well as Advil, but imagine the girls on either side of you purchasing vegan GMO-free enemas and you’re headache will fade.

Whole Foods competitors figured out that a large part of the Whole Foods sales game from generic organic food items, many times produced by major food manufacturers with slightly altered ingredients and packaging featuring the earth. Places like Walmart, Costco, and major grocery food chains started adding more and more of these “organic” brands at their own locations, or for delivery, and at about thirty percent lower prices. Less markup when you’re employing undocumented immigrants versus art history majors with lots of cause bracelets and ear gauges. 

Amazon isn’t in the business of prestige markups, it’s in the business of moving massive amounts of merchandise and owning customers with one-click loyalty program ease. They’ve already got a grocery delivery operation. Once they get the Whole Foods prices down, they can start trucking and droning organic shit to people’s homes in the same pipeline.

Nobody knows what organic practically means, they simply know they have to have it. Track “organic” against hundred dollar designer stretch pants and sports bras and you’ll note a growth chart perfect match.

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