Usher Gave a Dude Herpes

By the time you read this, Gloria Allred’s ambulance chasing attorney daughter, Lisa Bloom, will have already held a press conference announcing three clients who will be suing Usher for giving them herpes. She’s like the Erin Brockovich of STDs. If Erin Brockovich only cared about money and had a more mannish figure.

The breaking, though not totally surprising, news is that one of the three plaintiffs is a man. John Doe. That’s not his real name. It’s his ‘Usher gave me herpes’ name. Everybody should have one in the back pocket. I’m no expert in herpes transmission, but according to WebMD, it can’t be passed in the weekly Hold ’em game or in a pick up basketball. Gay sex is the hushed tone announcement.

It’s hard to know what is factually true in this incident. Since word broke that Usher admitted to being herpes positive and gave a chick from 2012 a million dollars to go away with her herpetic accusations, the flood gates have opened. 

This is how one of the chicks described how she got the virus from Usher:

“The woman said that Usher said he was not infected with herpes despite a ‘greenish discharge’ from his genitalia, leading her to continue having sex with him.“ 

You might fuck Kate Upton with a discharge and a promise it’s a nothing burger, but you’re slapping on five condoms and shooting every inch of bare skin with Formula 409. Or you’re intentionally trying to get some shit so you can sue her for your own millions. Any moment now Lisa Bloom will whisper in your ear like Slugworth enticing you to sell out Wonka. This could actually work. Valtrex isn’t the worst thing you’ve ever swallowed for money.

Usher’s the bad guy here, though these herpes hustlers are doing their best to cast him in a sympathetic light. It’s like that violent dude who beat the crap out of a bunch of innocent people, went to prison, and ended up beating the crap out of Subway Jared. Monsters come with complicated backstories. Usher’s is pretty pussy (that’s a short “u” vowel sound).

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