Replace Confederate Statues With… Missy Elliott

Times are always strange. People are always stupid. Hordes of like-minded people are always collectively moronic. Thus, there’s no way to know when you’ve hit rock bottom. Approximating rock bottom is far easier to determine.

Via a Change.org petition, the epitome of impotency in a digitally verified document, citizens of Portsmouth, Virginia and people pretending to be so are insisting a local confederate statue be torn down and replaced with a casting of singer Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott. Elliott hales from Portsmouth, Virginia. 

“Together we can put white supremacy down, flip it and reverse it. Missy is all of us. Missy is everything the confederacy was not.”

Very topical. Though Wanda Sykes has to feel slighted, being from Portsmouth, black, and also gay. Petition 2.0 will rectify that. Patton Oswalt also from Portsmouth was never really in contention. The point is, it’s a good time to be a sculptor.

As super Guilt Ridden White ISIS Progressives rage through the NASCAR states pulling statues of Southern soldiers from their pedestals, there has to be some tacit agreement they don’t get to pick the replacement statues. Like the real ISIS who always picks Muhammed, it’s going to get super boring and predictable. Also super unfair to rappers born north of the Mason-Dixon Line who shall never see themselves cast in bronze. 

It’s weird when even begrudgingly well-intentioned people can’t smell their own hypocrisy. Like insisting they’re part of a civil rights movement while trampling at least half of such known rights. Mob rule isn’t in the first ten that I remember. A keyword search of the Constitution reveals no “Missy Elliott”. Or really anything about painful historical facts being de facto rationale for squelching freedom of speech.

Anybody who’s ever raised a kid knows you have to let the children tantrum a bit. You can’t put down every spastic gesticulation from a crudely developing pituitary gland. You can’t bring the hand down for every outburst. Or the modern equivalent, a time out and a sensible talking. It creates an association where the child acts out without provocation merely for the anticipated reaction. Or where we are now as a nation. Very close to the need for spanking.