Let Malia Be Malia

Any sane person tries to stay out of the mounting partisan battles of the modern social media age. Some percentage of the population feels a need to define themselves by political party affiliations as if that’s a totem of some divine achievement. Have you seen the button-covered tools who attend political conventions? Guess what. That’s you. Only, you’re not even having that amazing down low gay hooker sex in some NFL city, you’re at home Tweeting. Stop it. That great novel you wanted to write remains unwritten. A quick review of the Twitter feed algorithm would definitively prove that nobody’s read any of your last four thousand posts.

A decent measure of blind partisanship is if you find yourself railing on young kids of whichever President you hate. Maybe someday these kids will grow up to be huge assholes, but for now they’re kids whose parents picked a shitty profession in relation to a reasonably normal childhood. Nobody wants their parent to be President of the PTA, let alone the country. Who would choose that kind of fishbowl existence?

Malia Obama is privileged because her dad was President. So she gets summer internships with Halle Berry and an red carpet into Harvard. What’s she supposed to do? Take the shitty degrading jobs we all had as teens and turn down amazing shit simply because people she’s never met are judging her? It’s the theory of the greater idiot. You can’t blindly turn down sweet shit without being even more of an ass.

The Obama’s older daughter likes to hit up the occasional concert, get rip roaring high, and dance around until she’s half-passed out and needs carting off by the secret service. TMZ pays strangers to ensure the chick never gets an ounce of privacy even when off the beaten path. Last year toking a joint at Lollapalooza, this year dancing like crazy on the ground. Big scandal. Tons of comments about what a hypocrite her dad is. Dunno. Maybe so. She’s just a chick who’s been locked up for eight years looking to get wasted and dance and laid. It’s the single most natural thing about anything to do with politics and politicians. Barron Trump’s gonna wanna tug one out someday. Burn him.

If Malia Obama turns into an annoying opportunist at thirty with a resting bitchy face and a complete lack of self-awareness, that’s the time for the horrible trolling. Hi, Chelsea Clinton. People don’t get to pick their parents. Let the chick live a little. You and I would’ve burned the White House down by sixteen just to get the fuck out. In short, Malia, sex tape. Take us there. This nation needs a non-partisan heal.

_{Photo credit: TMZ}