The R. Kelly Sex Cult Sounds Amazing

R. Kelly’s lawyer would like you to know that he’s not currently operating a sex cult with a half-dozen young women under his spell in Chicago and Atlanta condos. Though if he were operating such a sex cult, the women would all be of legal age. There’s nothing illegal about 50 Shades of Grey. Though certainly inane. 

Buzzfeed broke a big story this week by getting people using only acronyms for their names to describe how their daughters have been sucked into the R. Kelly stable of brainwashed sex tape slaves. Buzzfeed’s last big story was a photo album of where are they now child actors of the 80’s, so their reporting is impeccable.

According to the article, at least two sets of parents of teen daughters have come forward with very similar stories. Fangirls of R. Kelly, invited backstage by Kelly to help them with their hopeful music careers, then suddenly disappearing from their parents homes or college dorm rooms to live with the Trapped in the Closet Svengali. Subsequently, Kelly cuts off all their contact with former friends and family. As one of the girl’s college roommate’s explains:

T.S. also claims that the aspiring singer changed her look — losing weight, cutting her hair short, getting a perm and dying her hair blonde — and told her it was because that was how Kelly “liked her hair to look.” T.S. later claims Kelly publicly spanked the alleged victim at a club because she laughed at the male cab driver’s joke, after another woman reported her for violation of the “rules.”

You’ve got to keep your flock in check. Don’t think Trump doesn’t spank.

According to the parents, and supported by three people who formerly worked for R. Kelly, Kelly keeps the women under lock and key in these various condos. The women are told how to dress, with whom they’re allowed to communicate, using only the cellphones he provides, and ordered to make sex tapes for R. Kelly’s pleasure. When the police have investigated based on parents’ concerns, the girls have not come down to speak. Given the women are all now legal age adults, there’s little that can be done.

Anybody who’s been through the whole girls run off to join the cult thing know this is how it works. You can’t be a runaway at 19. You’re allowed to be R. Kelly’s sex slave if it makes you happy. Nothing anybody can do.

“You have to ask for food. You have to ask to go use the bathroom. … [Kelly] is a master at mind control,” Mack, Kelly’s former personal assistant, claims. “He is a puppet master.”

This all sounds quite unbelievable. It’s also R. Kelly so if you had to pick a singer for whom this story sticks, he’d be the one. It covers pretty much every single R. Kelly story element. Minus the legal age of consent part. And the lack of a cool nickname.

R. Kelly is adapting. Be afraid. 

_{Photo credit: Getty Images}