Andrew Garfield The Rachel Dolezal Of Dicks

The answer to the question “What would a child between Shia LaBeouf, Miles Teller, and an actual douche look like?” Andrew Garfield, proudly comes out as a fake gay man in a new interview. Just because you get off to the idea of fucking yourself doesn’t make you gay. Or maybe it does. The world’s former oldest Spider-Man plays a homosexual AIDS victim in a current London production of Angels in America. The producers took one look at Garfield’s face and knew they had their guy. 

Garfield is on the verge of being gay tarred and feathered (bukkaked to within an inch of his life and then rolled around in glitter) thanks to gay-baiting comments about his deep understanding of the LGBTQ community. Gays A) are fabulous and B) have AIDS. That’s a wrap.

My only time off during rehearsals – every Sunday I would have eight friends over and we would just watch [RuPaul’s Drag Race]. This is my life outside of this play. I am a gay man right now just without the physical act – that’s all.

He also talks about ass fucking in the manner of a Bronte sister:

As far as I know, I am not a gay man. Maybe I’ll have an awakening later in my life, which I’m sure will be wonderful and I’ll get to explore that part of the garden, but right now I’m secluded to my area, which is wonderful as well. I adore it, but a big concern was what right do I have to play this wonderful gay role?

Oppression gives celebrities an angle. Cara Delevingne is at least smart enough to put her money where her mouth is. On a clit. Garfield wasn’t handed persecution on a golden platter. He can’t stomach a dick. More power to Garfield if he can generate a fan base with pandering interviews. But his efforts are being met with Twitter comments such as “Straight tourists who try on oppression for kicks make me so tired. Andrew Garfield and James Franco… guys… you will never understand.” and “Garfield works in Hollywood and he’s watching reality TV to learn about gay men. Like, maybe just strike up a conversation?”

Gays have enough shit to deal with. Sometimes literally. Garfield might have better success if he finds his own platform. We’re all persecuted if you squint hard enough. Maybe Garfield should stick to what he knows. Promote equality for people with their heads shoved up their colons. Affects nine out of ten celebrities. 

_{Photo Credit: Helen Maybanks}