The Upside of Fucking Taylor Swift

Among the incontrovertible lessons learned through the eons is that men have no standards when it comes to fucking. When somebody tells you their dog is picky about what he eats, let that pooch skip a few meals and watch that canine rummage through his own shit for sustenance.  Nevertheless, the theoretical conversation between men as to what chick might be too annoying to fuck rages on. Taylor Swift is a prime example.

Taylor Swift strikes many men as a woman who would drive them to the brink of murder. Mostly her own. Possibly her cats. Her unflattering reputation is largely gleaned from hearsay. Though reinforced by a wide country smile that says I’m baking children into my preserves. She reads like a phony. Also a woman who puts men through the grinder as sport. Which leads to the question, who would put up with her?

Enter Joe Alwyn. You’ve never heard of him unless you followed his breakthrough leading man role in the flop that was Ang Lee’s Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk last November. The film was a dramatic treatise on how the American military alters perceptions in regard to the real struggles of Iraqi war veterans. The movie was so dour and off-putting that Kristen Stewart agreed to be in it. The British actor Alwyn seemed tarred by the film’s dismal box office. Enter Taylor Swift’s gilded vulva.

Things are looking up for Big Joe now that he’s Swift’s not so secret absolutely perfect boyfriend. He’s scored leading man roles in not one but two big historical dramas. The first against Margot Robbie, the second opposite Emma Stone. Sure Swift will rage against his male machine the minute the first gossip bit comes out about him canoodling with one of his two leading ladies. But, too late. Dude’s already hooked himself into a burgeoning career at twenty-six.

It’s easy to feel the pain of Swift boyfriends who had to put up with baby talk and late night ukulele silly songs. But put into perspective the noteworthy industry success of these same men. Swift’s not an altogether horrible looking human form for the sea witch Ursula. Fuck her through a sheet every third Thursday of the month with a phonograph playing Little River Band ballads and you might just be set. Like you care that she’s got a flat ass. Have you seen her new tits?

_{Photo credit: Getty Images / Splash News}