Ryan Lochte Suicidal For Rio Forgiveness

Ryan Lochte details the fragile state he was left in after his high-profile police arrest at the Rio Olympics in the new ESPN. The accompanying photoshoot shows Lochte cozying up to the pregnant white Laverne Cox. Lochte’s redemption parade is marching on long past Dancing With The Stars. AKA long past anyone gives a fuck about him.

Since the 2016 Lochte media blitz has been superseded by more important news such as the Manchester bombings and Kylie Jenner’s sold out lip kit, here’s a refresher of the robbery incident: Lochte and his teammates were arrested after pissing outside of a gas station and lightly vandalizing the surely immaculate Brazilian service station loo. Whatever the third world version of police officers are demanded money from Lochte and idiot friends before releasing them. Lochte told his mom that he was robbed at gunpoint to sound less like a tool. She informed the media. Lochte has taken too much chlorine to the brain to remember that surveillance cameras exist.

Forget Michael Vick and his dead dogs. Vick is a PETA ambassador compared to Lochte. NBA players, get ready for a slam dunk night of raping. Free of judgment now that Lochte has set the bar so low. ESPN sets up Lochte’s suicidal thoughts hail mary with the qualifier:

He’s the Jimmy Fallon of world-class athletes — benign, thirsty for love, sporadically amusing and prone to spontaneous, ill-considered decisions that make him seem more callow than he actually is. Fame was never Lochte’s goal, just the knotty byproduct of what his friends call “Ryan being Ryan.”     

Ryan being Ryan is being a liar. And you know where liars go. Hell. Lochte divulges:

After Rio, I was probably the most hated person in the world. There were a couple of points where I was crying, thinking, ‘If I go to bed and never wake up, fine.’ I was about to hang up my life entirely.

The interviewer clarified this gloomy statement by asking if Lochte meant suicide, to which Lochte nodded yes enthusiastically. Most Americans go to South America to do drugs and purchase authentic keepsakes from cultures decimated hundreds of years earlier by superior cultures. Lochte just wanted to fuck up a gas station and still have his mom think he’s not an asshole. Now he cares what we think. Sports are all about instincts. Just go with yours, Ryan.

_{Photo Credit: ESPN}