NASA Blasts Gwyneth Paltrow, Though Not Into Space

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop site for women not yet under financial conservatorships is pushing $120 stickers placed on the arm designed to “rebalance the energy frequency in our bodies.” Like a tuning fork to restore the body to optimal electronic frequency. With cute empowering designs. Be the unicorn, Tammy. 

Goop might’ve gotten away with their insidious Halloween III plot had they not added the product description…

“…made with the same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line space suits”

You can’t name drop NASA without pissing off a bunch of bored scientists watching feeds from satellites launch thirty years ago. Hmm, rocks. Just like last year and the year before. Let’s tell everybody these rocks are particularly interesting and issue some blurry photos so people will remember to fund us.

One NASA scientist blew a Goop gasket:

“Wow … What a load of BS this is. Not only is the whole premise like snake oil, the logic doesn’t even hold up. If they promote healing, why do they leave marks on the skin when they are removed?”

Thanks for asking the obvious question that wasn’t even close to the lips of the ten thousand women who bought these hoax stickers. At least not as close as the $179 echinacea oil lip balm guaranteed to make their husband stop fucking the kinky BBW three doors down.

Goop issued a statement assuring everybody they have no responsibility for claims made by experts on their site. Also their corporate addresses all route through an old wooden mailbox on the island of Cypress. Good luck suing. Goop pulled the NASA mention from its site. But not the healing stickers themselves, because the two ton tard army was still lined up to buy. Who you going to believe? A chief scientist in NASA’s human research division, or the ponytailed blond woman with the eighty dollar avocado colonics?

_{Photo Credit: Mr. Skin / Splash News}