Miley Cyrus Offers Wise Advice

Miley Cyrus wants her little sister Noah be a breakout music star without feeling a need to react to constant online criticisms. Who needs to hear, hey, you can’t sing a lick, or hey, you look like Billy Ray’s high school yearbook photo with even deeper jowls. Keep your head down and remind everybody of your last name. Even Tito and Jermaine were a thing for a while.

“I always tell Noah, keep your Instagram comments turned off. Never read anything that anyone says about you. Don’t Google yourself.”

Of course your teen sister Googles herself. And now she’s going to see this article. Is that my fault or yours? Answer with a song under your new mature folksy persona.

Noah Cyrus’ first commercial venture was at age ten when her mom decided Noah should sell lacy underthings to other preteen girls. It was a gamble. “Crotchless” was a word that probably should’ve been pre-tested with Nordstrom Junior Girls department shoppers. 

Give it up for Miley for being a huge public advocate of her siblings attempts to make something of themselves. Naturally within the restraint of all of them being lazy motherfuckers. Anything those dead weights can bring in reduces her monthly family nut. It’s a big family, with a big nut. In the least, insist you be named in their life insurance policies and organize a family hunting trip. Billy Ray brings the booze. You probably don’t need to even bring that up.

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