Kourtney Kardashian Celebrates Single With New Beach Tits

Kourtney Kardashian has declared herself formally single. No more drunk guy who wouldn’t marry her because he had a guaranteed contract and three lockdown babies and didn’t need a five foot tall chick yelling at him for drinking the rest of his life. Relationships based on comfortable fucking and TV deals don’t tend to last forever. 

It’s not an official Kardashian breakup until producers build you a five stage of loss arc that culminates with the introduction of a young black rebound boyfriend. Also tears, largely from the collective shame of zero accomplishments. Why are we pulling you away to discuss how you feel about what you just told us? Don’t ask too many questions or the food pellets stop coming.

If you close your eyes and listen, the Kardashians sound like high school girls. It’s unnerving when grown women are discussing who has crushes on whom, who looked horrible in what outfit, and gossip about cheating boyfriends. Nobody would put up with their thirty-eight year old buddy talking about hoping he gets to make out with the new girl at his office. Have your nannies remind you of the names of your kids and brag about their precocious genius despite genetics making that an almost certain impossibility.

Nobody wants to hear a forty year old woman titter. The clock is ticking.

_{Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News}