Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Use Surrogate

Any means of procuring a baby is narcissistic. We don’t want to be surrounded by our reptile collections and disinterested nieces and nephews playing Pokemon go on our deathbeds. A woman in her thirties without gender reveal party pics on her Instagram should probably go ahead and kill herself. Adoption is the least narcissistic way to give one’s life meaning through a squirming shitting human larvae. Normal fucking comes next. Surrogacy is the worst. Surrogacy, when you’ve already had two children, means that you’re a hopeless self-indulgent piece of absolute shit. 

In walks Kim Kardashian. God smote the porn star with something called placenta accreta. Fancy word for bag of STDs. The result is that she can’t have a third child naturally. Kardashian is one-upping God by hiring a surrogate for her third baby with husband Kanye West. She’s gotten all of the publicity and social media leverage she can out of the one-year-old Saint West and four-year-old North West. Four years. About time for North to get a boob job. 

TMZ details the fine print on Kim Kardashian’s use of a surrogate. Her third future abomination will cost $45,000, she will need to pay $5,000 for each – God forbid – additional kid that pops out, and the surrogate will receive $4,000 if she “loses reproductive organs.” The glamorous life of a surrogate. We’ve also learned that the surrogate:

…is required to refrain from smoking, drinking and drugs during the pregnancy. She also agrees to restrict sexual activities in the weeks leading up to the pregnancy, including foregoing sexual intercourse for 3 weeks following embryo implantation. The surrogate cannot go in hot tubs or saunas, cannot handle or change cat litter, apply hair dye, drink more than one caffeinated beverage per day or eat raw fish.

Kardashian probably doesn’t even have a crusty placenta. Or debilitating STDs. This whole situation screams of a celebrity not wanting to compromise what she thinks is a hot body with yet another child. Kanye West is just glad he doesn’t have to mount his centaur wife again. Representatives from his gay bathhouse have not returned our request for comments on the surrogacy. 

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