Does Alison Brie Actually Suck Dick?

Websites often formulate headlines as questions in order to capitalize on popular searches for SEO purposes. Assuming that people have either seen Alison Brie in GLOW or read her new interview in Marie Claire, I was debating on anticipating audiences with “Did Alison Brie Face Swap With Natalie Imbruglia?” “Was Alison Brie Always An Asshole But I No One Knew Because They Were Focused On Seeing Her Tits?” or “Did Alison Brie Succumb To The Pressures Of Hollywood With Four Dollar Plastic Surgery While Still Queefing Out Statements About Female Empowerment?” But Google favors headlines with less than sixty characters. And Brie does suck dick. Husband Dave Franco’s. When it isn’t in James’ esophagus.

Like her freshly minted Aussie songstress doppelganger Imbruglia, Brie does indeed look Torn in her new photo shoot for Marie Claire. Torn. And then sewn back together by surgeons to look like a shiny shell of her former self. Brie has graduated from being the perky quasi-forward-thinking housewife with big tits on Mad Men to being the perky quasi-forward-thinking single woman with big tits on the new Netflix 80’s throwback ladies wrestling series, GLOW. The new leading role has gone to Brie’s head. Sometimes we shine brighter without a platform. She spills to Marie Claire about crying during Wonder Woman:

My mindset was, I want to support female directors and superheroes, and this [film] is very important for our feminist cause right now. I totally [cried]. I left the theater wielding a fake sword and jumping around, stabbing my husband, like ‘You have to DIE! Because of…love.

On her worth:

[Franco] has amazing taste and is one of the most patient people I know. It’s nice to get to a place where you’re like, ‘I know my worth and what kind of projects I really want to do, and it’s worth fighting for the really good ones.’ Because my instinct has always been much more of a frantic workaholic, where I’m like ‘I always want to be working! I’ll take any job!

And on Brie’s feminist knowhow:

Feminism is an idea that has to keep evolving and always will.

Like her face. Brie’s interview with Marie Claire comes on the heels of her (revised) statement regarding her objectification while auditioning for Entourage. Her media blitz for GLOW has been so closely woven with feminism that differentiating who’s supporting what is impossible. Feminism is going to ghost Brie. Too clingy. So will Franco. Too not his brother.     

_{Photo Credit: Marie Claire}