Britney Spears Doesn’t Lip Sync

In a new interview, Britney Spears dispells those nasty rumors that she lip syncs during live performances. You have to move your mouth to lip sync, so, she’s right. The autotune dial on Spears’ tracks is turned all the way up to Rosie the Robot. Beep boop bop you better werk bitch. Spears’ claim of performing with only the slightest dusting of backup vocals would be more believable if she was croaking out lyrics through a Passy-Muir.

I’m glad you’re addressing this question because it’s really funny. A lot of people think that I don’t sing live. I usually, because I’m dancing so much, I do have a little bit of playback, but there’s a mixture of my voice and the playback. It really pisses me off because I am busting my ass out there and singing at the same time and nobody ever really gives me credit for it, you know?

The entertainment business is founded on magical thinking. Courtney Cox didn’t chicken out halfway through her surgical journey to becoming Bruce Jenner. Rumer Willis isn’t a manicured potato. Tom Cruise doesn’t look like the Carrie of bukkake every weekend. A fifty-five-year-old woman pounding it out to Cruise’s volleyball scene in Top Gun can’t handle the truth.

Lies in the entertainment industry patch together our swaddle needed to avoid constant rumination over looming death. The reason actors are paid more than doctors. One gives us life. The other keeps us alive. Fans of Britney Spears need to believe she’s not a bipolar sugar cereal eater. They interpret Spears’ toned body as an indication that their drugged up muppet doesn’t teeter on her window seal every night Robin Wright in Forest Gump style. Except with Mountain Dew instead of heroin.

People don’t attend Spears concerts for creative musical variances or semi-humanoid dance moves. They’re trying to buy themselves another day. Britney Spears sings live. And Bill Cosby’s pudding is only doled out to enthused takers. There. See the light of tomorrow.