Rebel Wilson Wants Her Dignity Back

Rebel Wilson went looking for an excuse as to why her catty obese chick roles in Hollywood dried up and ended up launching a defamation suit against Woman’s Day magazine. She claims the gossip rag falsely accused her of lying about her name, age, and upbringing. Tabloids do get a bug up their ass over certain random celebrities. There is a “take down” mentality. One which Wilson’s lawyers claim in court have caused Wilson to lose job opportunity, one after another.

There doesn’t seem to be any hard evidence of Wilson’s claim of damages. Though she did somehow manage to obtain an all-female jury so best believe the fat lady is getting paid. The minute she started crying during her testimony, discussing her rough working class upbringing and struggle to live her dream as an unattractive fat girl, the calculators began rolling against Bauer Media, owner of Woman’s Day.

“[Wilson] described her childhood, travelling around on the weekends to dog shows with her family in a caravan with their family business Petcetera Etcetera, and selling animal toys and dog chocolates that she’d developed a taste for.”

I might’ve omitted the part where I cop to being a BBW who scarfs down doggy treats. You could win without that on the record. Wilson did admit she changed her name from Melanie Bownds to Rebel Wilson, something she initially muddled up. Though she insists her other harrowing tales of a wild and rough childhood, including nearly dying from malaria as a teen, were entirely earnest. 

This is an odd case insomuch as every single famous person has lied about their past. Also, ever single not famous person trying to get laid. The entire point of being a celebrity is to build a fairytale existence. Then when your career slows down, you come out with all the ugly truths and plead for the empathy of the common man. Look, horrific psoriasis. I’m one of you!

None of this makes much sense. So, say, five million. It’s Australian dollars. Unclear what that’s worth in real money. Keep smiling, honey, it makes your third chin less visible.

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