Matt Harvey Suspension Not Black Cock Related

Dildo Gate is officially on. The Mets failed to notice the phallus prominently displayed in the lower right corner of a photo they tweeted out of pitcher Matt Harvey. Harvey was shortly thereafter suspended for three games, and the Mets won’t say why. Vibrate Gate has all the makings of a deliciously salacious scandal.

Harvey reportedly procured the dildo as part of a clubhouse prank, yet that would not seem to require disciplinary action unless something sordid happened. What do you have to do with a dildo to garner a three game suspension? Was there actual penetration involved? Hookers? Is the entire Mets organization run by the gay mafia, otherwise known as the Illuminati? We can only speculate and wait for the details to pour in. Luckily, Wolf Blitzer is on the case.  

Harvey has had some minor incidents in his career but nothing along the lines of a swinger gang bang featuring multiple dildos. There is in fact nothing inherently wrong with carrying dildos around, in fact they come in handy as they are always good for a chuckle. Maybe they rained down a suspension on him because the dildo is black. Some sort of discrimination thing. Maybe there’s a cell phone video of Harvey strapping the dildo to his forehead and going to town on pitching ace Noah Syndergaard. We just don’t know, but we will not rest until every detail of this case has been publicly aired.

First we had Roswell, the Bay of Pigs, JFK, Chappaquiddick, Lewinsky, Spy Gate, Casey Anthony, then Deflate Gate. That bullshit all pales in comparison to Dildo Gate. The people have spoken. We want, nay, need answers. 

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}