Let the Fyre Festival Lawsuits Begin

For a sixty year old guy, Mark Geragos is a surprisingly spry ambulance chaser. Michale Jackson, Gary Condit, Kesha, Scott Peterson, Chris Brown. Who shall stand for the rights of the rich and annoying to get away with horrible shit? 

Geragos jumped into the Fyre Festival debacle by filing a five million dollar lawsuit on behalf of one concert goer, Daniel Jung, and another hundred million in anticipation of every other opportunistic loser who will be calling Geragos shortly to get in on the suit. It’s unclear what money may be available in the janky offshore LLC set up to buffer the event against lawsuits. Expect Geragos to go after festival co-founders Ja Rule and Billy McFarland personally. Also, the entire archipelago nation of the Bahamas, the U.S. government protectorate, and Sinbad for good measure. No, not the comedian.

Geragos is known for leading with colorful portraits of his clients suffering, involving more color than suffering. He knows how to get his quotes out:

“The festival’s lack of adequate food, water, shelter, and medical care created a dangerous and panicked situation among attendees suddenly finding themselves stranded on a remote island without basic provisions that was closer to The Hunger Games or Lord of the Flies than Coachella. 

Sounds like five million in damages to me. Or better than every subsidized YMCA camping trip my parents sent me on to save a buck. Did the Fyre Festival stranded have to avoid pedophile counselors alternating between biblical passages and attempted sodomy? Keep this in perspective. Also, where’s my blood money?

Ja Rule and McFarland have profusely apologized, blaming the storms and natural elements that you couldn’t possibly have anticipated unless somebody had asked Siri. McFarland also noted the organizers made a few rookie mistakes. Unless you’re not getting a full refund, you’ve got little to bitch about.

Bring on the upscale millennial girls with their sob stories about how they turned down a Hilton Head sorority alumni mixer for this offshore disaster. Nobody was killed or even injured. Move on and pretend you weren’t one of the suckers lacking an ounce of foresight. I’m pretty sure people used to hide more when caught looking stupid.