Kelly Ripa Chooses Seacrest

In the world of big news for the indolent, Kelly Ripa ended the long tease of her new co-host for Live announcement with a blessedly short skit before naming Ryan Seacrest. Ripa and the Live show had been pretend testing out a whole bunch of slightly more masculine B-list male celebrity co-host options the past month in an effort to throw off what was surely Seacrest all along. Seacrest is a force of financial nature in the world of connecting with middle aged women. He doesn’t sign on last minute to anything and he doesn’t come cheaply.

It was a year ago when cuddly big black gap-toothed guy officially surpassed anorexic blond on the morning TV positive response surveys, snatching away Michael Strahan from Live for the bigger Good Morning America slot. Ripa fumed as hard as any eighty pound woman can when she learned her glass ceiling was suddenly reinforced by her fair haired pixie cut. Ripa issued a series of passive aggressive communiques about “respect in the workplace” and cut back to half a pickle a day in sustenance. She agreed to play nice in exchange for four People magazine stories about her perfect marriage. 

With Seacrest, Live can now present a pair of new LOL best friends for the lonely hearts club pricking their fingers to make sure they’ll still be alive for Dr. Phil at 2pm. It’s hard not to respect the Seacrest hustle. The dude takes every gig available and looks like it’s the best thing ever. You don’t go to the whorehouse and pick out the girl you think fucks the best, you pick out the one who doesn’t look miserable. This is a one hour and under commitment. You want somebody who can hold a smile. Seacrest. Out.

_{Photo credit: Live with Kelly and Ryan}