Huma Abedin Single and Ready to Mingle

As far as divorcee dating goes, if you’re looking for a 40-year old anorexic Muslim chick with a husband of convenience in the slammer on sex crimes, a child being maintained somewhere by interns, and a best friend leading the #Resistance in a fat pantsuit, Tinder up Huma Abedin. She’s officially on the market.

Abedin’s seen Hillary Clinton’s bare snatch which means she can never truly love again. If she ever could in the first place. The Clintons pushed her into marriage with a creepy New York Jewish dude who loved bicep curls and masturbation because they thought he was on the political rise. What followed shortly thereafter were multiple embarrassing stand-by-your-man press conferences. The first sexting scandal cost him his Congressional seat, the second his Mayoral run. Abedin ditched their joint pad after her husband was seen sexting selfies with their little kid next to him on the bed. What a horrible reminder that she had a child she still had to occasionally Skype from the road.

Abedin is said to have held off divorce until Weiner’s underaged girl case was settled so she could invoke spousal privilege as needed. She’s fresh out of court clothing. And she’s facing potential indictment on federal charges herself related to sweeping criminal shit under the rug for her liege. Somewhere out there is a broken man who won’t ask for sex or why she’s crying so much who’s going to make Abedin a nice elderly and bed-ridden next husband. Make sure his fingers are too fat to text.